Wounded


Not all scars show. Not all wounds heal…

My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, ‘Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee far away and stay in the desert.’ Psalm 55:4–8

For months now that I have suffered from panic attacks caused by anxiety. Every time I reach an episode I cry out to God, “You are God. You are my truth. You are in control and I am not.” Over and over these words repeat in an endless loop in my mind, depending on where I am they can escape my mouth,  and sometimes the agony brings me to my knees (literally). It’s a horrible, vicious, cycle of events that seems to never end when I’m in the midst of it. “My heart is in anguish within me…Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.” I tell you… it is absolutely the worst place in life to find yourself broken, immobile, and isolated with your heart pounding out of your chest and the feeling of unequivocal terror driving every thought and action. The episodes have not diminished over time, but the space between them has lengthened; and if I let them, the thoughts and triggers, will throw me back into a psychotic spiral downward.

Okay! Maybe psychotic is a bit much, but I hope you can see the pain. To break this down to its core without going into details… I was wronged (basically was treated like a piece of worthless trash), I was wrong in my actions that lead up to being wronged, and I hurt many people I really do care about and a few I didn’t even know.

1 Peter 5:7 tells us to, “[cast] all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” In my situation it all starts with an overwhelming feeling that no one truly cares about me (my anxiety). I am at fault for placing myself in this circumstance, so there is also shame and sorrow that accompanies these feelings. The anxiety truly is more than I can bear, and I wish casting my anxieties on God were as simple as a prayer. In reality it’s not. It’s very difficult to take something like this and say, “It’s all yours God. Do with it what you will…” all-the-while knowing the he treasures me. It is my belief that he cares for my mental state just as deeply as he cares for my spiritual state, and the person of Christ represented this belief through his interactions with common men and women. I know he can handle all my anxieties as well as any other emotion I can’t seem to bear on my own, but how does one turn these things over to him?

Psalm 55:22 says, “Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” The missing piece to this puzzle is that, “he will sustain you.” Interesting that nothing is said about how the burden will be God’s. Instead it suggest that if you communicate these burdens to Him, if we approach God with our burdens, he will give us the strength to overcome. I hope that there is some wisdom built into that strength, because I find that the more applicable wisdom I have in any situation the less difficult it is for me to overcome.

I did not turn for help immediately. At first I tried to endure this struggle on my own, and the only knowledge, or wisdom, I gained was where my limitations lie. I am unable to go at this alone, and I need help. Over and over, sometimes on my knees, my soul acknowledges, “You are God. You are my truth. You are in control and I am not.”

Some wounds never heal, and some scars never show… Regardless it is best to lay it all before the one who knows how to overcome.

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